As I'm sitting here eating left over pasta thinking about what to write about in my first post, a million ideas flow through my head. Should I start with my childhood? How my summer was? Or how about my fears and aspirations in life? Even though these are all good choices that would be an interesting read for everyone, the most appropriate topic to talk about would be the experience in my life that helped shape who I am. I'm sure most people reading this already know what I'm about to share but I think it is important for people to know how it influenced MY life and who I am today.
When you think of a 12 year old girl you probably think of middle school drama, puppy love, innocence and immaturity. Unfortunately, I was not your average 12 year old. On December 26, 2006 my younger sister, Megan, was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML). As a 7th grader, I was forced to become more mature and responsible than most high school and college students. I constantly had to make choices between sleepovers with friends and spending the night at the hospital with my sister. My amazing parents let me make these decisions on my own; trying not to take away what little childhood I had left. However, I always chose to stay with my sister. She was my absolute inspiration and what I looked forward to every day. After school I would come home, shower, and one of my parents (usually dad was with my older sister and I) would take Chelsea and I to the hospital until late at night. Chelsea and I had to take many precautions against getting sick so we wouldn't put Megan in danger since she was immune suppressed. We were forced to say no to hanging out with friends that had the sniffles or even if their siblings or parents had been recently sick. These sacrifices I had to make chipped away at my immaturity and childhood but built my wisdom and adulthood.
After 18 months of up's and down's, being in remission and relapsing, traveling from hospital to home to a different hospital and back, my sister lost her battle with cancer. The morning of June 5, 2008 was my 8th grade field trip. My aunt was staying with Chelsea and I because both of my parents were with Megan. My mom called my aunt and told her Megan was not doing well and being the amazing mom she is, she told my aunt to give me the decision whether to go on the field trip or come to the hospital. As I was packing up for the exciting day I thought I was going to have, my aunt came in my room and told me my choices. That choice was the best and most important choice of my life. I naturally went with my aunt and sister to the hospital. When we walked up to her room, a blanket was covering the window which I thought was strange. Megan was in and out of consciousness asking for juice that she would just throw back up. My dad waited for Megan to slip out of consciousness again and told Chelsea and I that Megan was not going to make it through the day. This was the worst news I ever received in my life. We all surrounded Megan as the nurses sedated her so she would not feel any more pain. After a couple hours of weeping and asking God to please take her, she passed away as I held her hand. After that moment my memory goes blank. I do not really remember what happened leading up to her wake and funeral. It was just so painful that my mind blocked it out and frankly, I am glad. Those memories can stay hidden away behind all of the fun memories before she got sick.
That summer I almost never left my house. Sometimes I would hang out with a couple of my close friends but that was about it before entering the infamous 9th grade. My parents encouraged me to try to have fun and do a lot of extracurricular activities. That is just what I did. I played soccer, played clarinet in the band, was the secretary of student council, and participated in the Peer Helping Network. I continued with most of these activities for the rest of my high school career and was even elected president of my class for 2 years in a row. However, my impossible loss never left my mind. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I ever really dealt with the death of my sister. Diving into school and all of my activities kept me busy and that's what I thought I needed at the time. I was proud of myself and really happy with the young woman I had become and everyone around me seemed to agree. "Look at Sarah and what she's been through she's become such an inspiration." "I want my kids to be just like her." I heard those phrases a lot. I even got elected as homecoming queen by my peers. Everyone really seemed to like me. However, they only liked the smiling, happy, social me that they saw. The me that did not actually deal with my loss was depressed and isolated and only I could see and feel her.
There were multiple times where I wanted to die but I could not fathom putting my family through another loss. I went through periods of such depression that I would stop eating and lose 10 lbs. However, people did not see these things because I wouldn't let them. But I think it is important to tell people how much I struggled and how much I still struggle. I have extreme control issues always striving for perfection and still struggle with my eating sometimes. I think a big reason I suffer from these issues are because I had absolutely no control over what happened to me 7 years ago and now I am trying to get back in control. Now I am trying to put the pieces back together and get through life. Sometimes I lose sight of the big picture; happiness. However, with the help of my family, friends, and loving boyfriend I am reminded everyday to deal with my struggles and issues and be happy.
I'm sorry to start off this blog with such a sad story but I want people to know the real me. In the following posts of this blog, you will see more in depth my struggles; past and current, achievements, aspirations and everything "me."
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